kaasirpent: (Spam)
Tuesday, December 29th, 2015 11:35 am

Oh, god, not this crap ag—I mean Hey look! It's more Spam Poetry™!

So, what happens is, periodically, I receive enough spam on one or more of my email accounts that some of the subject lines leap out at me as a kind of poetry in and of themselves. I arrange them, but don't change them (other than to remove the occasional long string of nonsense). To create Art™*

* For some values of 'art.'

So, without further ado . . .

I call this one Gibberish for what will become obvious reasons. At least my Spammers offer a respite and encouragement. Warning: If you read any of these languages, I apologize for any offense that might occur. I have no idea what most of them say.

Learn a language with only 5 minutes per day
J'adore m'amuser avec des garçons
Ia parte la proiecte de succes alaturi de antreprenori romani!
Quà Tặng Chúc Mừng Năm Mới 2016
Поздравляем Вас с Новым годом!
(광고)초대박~ 무료 영화다운로드 쿠폰이 이곳에~! 나만의 쿠폰 선물&홍보 이벤트!
بمقدم 20% امتلك شقتك باب
《2015 GF雙誕嘉年華》精選遊戲送好康!一同迎向2016
Cizme imblanite U. G. G. cu Livrare 24H in Romania
สุขสันต์วันปีใหม่ แด่สมาชิกMG
جشنواره فروش به مدت 4 روز
Bem-vindo ao Ludijogos
Serviço de tradução
vouloir baiser ce soir?

Good Job!!!!!

This next piece I call Stalker. SarAnnabElla is the kind that'll boil your rabbit. (Is that a thing people say? The last time I said it, I got odd looks . . .)

Hello there
i found you :)

1 InstaSextMsg Waiting
1 HotH00kup Waiting
1 Sl*tty Friend Alert
1 InstaSextMsg Waiting
You Have 1 SexiSnap Notification
Check out your friend Annabelle
1 New InstaCheat Alert
1 New InstaAffair Alert
1 New LocalSlutAlert
You Have 1 InstaDateRequest
You Have 1 InstaH00kup Request
1 BangBuddy Alert is Waiting for You
You Have 1 New Christmas InstaQuickie Alert
1 Pending Hookup Alert
1 Pending Hookup Alert
1 New F*ckbuddy Waiting for You
1 New SnapBangMsg
You Have 1 InstaH00kup Request
You Have 7 F*ckFriends Waiting
1 New SnapHookup Alert
1 New InstaAffair Alert
You Have 7 InstaH00kup Requests
You Have 1 New InstaB00tyCall
1 New Christmas InstaSexMatch
1 InstaSextMsg Waiting
1 New SnapHookup Alert
1 Unread F*ckbuddy Message
5 Pending F*ckBuddyNow Alerts
Check out your friend Ella
1 New Christmas InstaHookup Alert
1 New Christmas InstaAffair Alert
1 New Christmas InstaSexMatch
You Have 1 Christmas SexiSnap Notification
1 New Christmas SnapHookupMsg
You Have 1 Christmas InstaH00kup Request
1 New Christmas InstaHookup Alert
1 Christmas Pending Hookup Alert
1 New Christmas SnapHookup Alert
1 Christmas Pending Hookup Alert
New Christmas F#ckBuddy Alert Pending
1 New Christmas InstaHookup Alert
1 Sl*tty Friend Alert
Unread Flirt Message From Sarah
You Have 1 New Christmas InstaQuickie Alert
1 New Christmas SnapF#ck Alert
1 New SnapHookup Alert
1 New Christmas InstaCheat Alert
1 New Christmas SexiSnap Alert
New Find F#ckFriends Alert
Are You Down for Right Now?
Are You Down for Right Now?
Are You Down for Right Now?

i found you

Creeeeeepy! I think "Annabelle" or "Ella" or "Sarah" or whatever she's calling herself during this 10-minute period needs to get a hobby. Or perhaps a prescription for . . . something. Other than Spanish fly. (Is that even still a thing? Does this date me?)

Finally, I'll call this one Success! I'm glad to know my Spammers are looking out for my overall well-being. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Or that might be heartburn. Anyhoo . . .

This is what to do in 2016 to make it BIG

  • 6th Annual Dream One World New Years Eve

  • A world away with Qatar Airways from 26,288,000 IRR. Book now!

  • True Love Right This Way...
    Very good method to ensure your love life
    Hookup Opportunity For You: Dating access pass granted
    Sleep with sex-addicts tonight

  • Donation

  • Fulfill your immediate fun requirement in 1 minute
    Dominos Online Super Value Offer: Buy 1 Pizza Get 1 Pizza Free Only TODAY
    Delightful Chicken Shawarmas! Order Now!

This has been Spam Poetry™. I hope you enjoyed it as much as my Spammers enjoyed bringing it to you. Stay tuned here for more "fine" "art" from spam domains in Brazil, Japan, Korea, Russia, and Thailand! (Among many, many others.)
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Monday, July 8th, 2013 02:18 pm
Yes, it is indeed time for some more Spam poetry. Spam poetry, for the uninitiated (or for those who successfully wiped their memory after the last time I did it) is when I take the subjects of Spam I have received across all my email accounts and use them to make . . . poetry. Or something that can loosely referred to as "poetry." If you squint. And it's very dark. And you have cataracts.

The first selection, I shall call "Lay Away (Nudge Nudge)"
What's Hot And New This Weekend!
You're invited to a Complimentary Event in the Los Angeles Area
Meet a Hot China Girl. Free.
Check out this hot babe
So much to buy, so little time...
$5,000 Overnight. Pay back in 5 YEARS!
Rent To Own
Shipping Service
I'm a little leery of that deal. Free access, but I have to pay? Perhaps I can use the brand new checking account I opened at "Bryant and Stratton."
Who is Bryant & Stratton?
Fantastic growth guaranteed
need 'emergency' funds?
$2,500 in 1 hour.
See? I knew I could trust them.

Finally, a strange (3/4/3) "haiku" that, I'm sure, holds the secrets of the universe, if only you can decipher its enigmatic 10 syllables. I call it "Enigma."
Brochure Box
Carding News
That's, like, deep, man.

Thus concludes this installment of Spam Poetry™.
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Saturday, November 17th, 2012 06:51 pm
My spammers have been in a rut. I've had hardly any good spam subjects for months. I had to go through some 650 (this week's crop) to cull just these few, suitable for making poetry.

For those not familiar with these little diversions I occasionally do: I go through my Spam folder and look at the subject lines of the many emails there and cull the more interesting ones and arrange them into . . . something resembling a poem. I change them only in making them readable by removing random words and characters and my email address. They're usually quite odd, often quite dirty, and occasionally amusing.

Let's start!

Because of teh foul language. )

And that's all from this edition of Spam Poetry™. Stay tuned next time for . . . pretty much more of the same. Yeah.
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Saturday, October 22nd, 2011 04:06 am
It has been more than a year since the last Spam Poetry installment. I guess Spammy the Spammer has been busy trying not to drop the soap in the prison shower, and just hasn't been as creative.

Today's installment of Spam Poetry is rather...meta. Instead of poetry per-sé, these are more like Spam messages...made of Spam subjects.

(Go with me, here.)

These are not work safe, child safe, or safe if you are easily offended. You have been warned. )

This has been another installment of...Spam Poetry™

Note: For Spam Poetry™ I take real spam subject lines that arrived on one of my email accounts and combine them—hopefully in a humorous or provocative manner—to make something at least entertaining out of it. The only changes I make are minor, such as removing random strings of numbers from the ends of the 5 Reasons lines with bermuda, class, etc. They were ugly and hurt the amusement factor. Otherwise, every one is exactly as it arrived.
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Monday, August 30th, 2010 05:39 pm
I call this one Staycation.
Participate in one day experiment
You're invited!
We have a vacation
Treadmills. As far as you want to go.
You're invited!
I don't see a lot of call for that kind of thing, but hey. Who am I to question my spammers? After all, they're looking out for my well-being.

This one has clearly been translated from some other language. Perhaps Klingon. There's no way to tell, really. I call it Lost in Translation.
offer maybe remember
our find take first way
Pym egret inaccessible
I'm sure it's absolutely beautiful and moving in the original Lojban. Or whatever. Damned inaccessible egrets.

I call this one Sugar Daddy for obvious reasons. Sometimes, my spammers are very straightforward.
Fun Trivia question of the Day
Seeking for love improvement?
Secret formula for successful men
Sugar Daddy Dating Community
I'm not sure the right word is "love," here, but hey. Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it can rent it for a short while, eh what? Know what I mean, nudge-nudge? Know what I mean? Wink-wink, nudge-nudge? Say no more, say no more....

At first I thought this one was talking about my delivery from UPS or FedEx, but then I got it. I call this one megadriller. Again, for somewhat obvious reasons.
Your package is set to grow larger today
Your wife photos attached
Grow larger today
Your wife photos attached

Your Delivery!
Become her megadriller
Not...entirely sure why they think I have a wife or why they would have pictures of her, but hey. Spammers Know Things™. <knowing look>

And now, back to your regularly scheduled LiveJournal.
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Thursday, May 6th, 2010 03:57 pm
Hmm. I'm really not sure what my Spammers are trying to tell me. Maybe you can puzzle it out.
Find the Perfect Mother's Day Gift + Get Free Shipping. Details Inside.

This Mothers Day Give Mother a Truly Sweet Gift
Give the gift of relaxation to Mom
Finding Senior Living is as Easy as Clicking Your Heels. Start Today!
Why assisted living might be the right choice for you

Free Shipping Ends Tomorrow - There's Still Time to Treat Mom
Affordable Life Insurance
Take 50% Off! Mothers Day Special!
Is it just me or is that a tad creepy?

Oh, and if my mother is reading this, relax. Blame my Spammers. :)
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Friday, April 2nd, 2010 04:19 pm
I call this one "Star-Crossed Lovers"
Dear Beloved
     ภาวะผู้นำกับการจัดการปัญหา และการบริหารความขัดแย้งในการทำงาน วิทยากรโดย รศ.สุขุม นวลสกุล
     Приглашаем на мероприятия в апреле

Hello My Dear,
     From United States Consulate?
     Language Learning Secrets Revealed!

     Business Communications
     Business Proposal
     Lucky Winner

     Happy Birthday from Diễn đàn Dân Kế Toán
It just gets you right here [points at spot near spleen], doesn't it? <sniff> They're like...two really unromantic lovers separated by more than one language.

Disclaimer: I have no earthly clue what the two lines in some Asian text and Cyrillic say. If you know, let me know. Maybe they relate in ways I couldn't even predict. :)

Update (a few minutes later): I keep forgetting Google Translate. :) The Thai text says: "Leadership and management problems. And management of conflict in work lecturer by Assoc. Discreetly Manual currency." The Cyrillic says "We invite you to events in April". Reversed, they almost make sense! Almost. :)
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Monday, October 5th, 2009 10:06 am
To climb your throat on sobs easily chased
Scatters from her pictured urn
Romans crushed
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Thursday, September 10th, 2009 09:01 am
My Spam is getting better. And I mean that in the sense that it's not all Nigerian scams, ads for penis-enlargement, replica watches, discounts at Pfizer, or diplomas. Those were, frankly, getting boring. Apparently, my Spammers agreed.

I call this one "Snippet of an Overheard Conversation"
Yo yo yo
We visit the musical. Join!
Our Sunday program
     Sorry, I can't
If you had a gold fish, you would ask for a bigger instrument.
     Completely lost mind???
Be falcon, not pigeon
     Idiots on march
     I found a different approach
     Contact my department
     For your safety
Can't dig how it works
     Stop and think
     We can't wait forever
     Top vacancy of the month!
Clearly, person 1 is quite insane and person 2 is a psychiatrist who is concerned for person 1's mental health. Clearly. :)
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009 02:19 pm
At least now I understand why I have so much Spam advertising watches:
Girls kill for this
When you need to drill her
The secret of being an incredible lover is to have a big device.

Your watch will overshadow all the other timepieces.

Our watches are for people with refine taste.
Diamonds on your watch will shine so brightly.

Afford your designer watch as soon as today.
Cheap and fashionable watches do exist.
Popular watches that are easy to afford.
Attention! Unbelievably cheap watches.

Your heart tells you to buy this cheap fine watch.
It's great that the secret is so easily affordable. And, you know, my heart does tell me to buy a cheap, fine watch. It's uncanny!

I'm sorry, but sometimes my Spammers give me contradictory information. It's confusing:
Upgrade and update your love life by enlarging your penis.
Acai Elite will make you a few sizes smaller.
So, which is it? Do I "upgrade and update" or take Acai Elite and get a few sizes smaller? I'm so torn. :)

[Edit] In case anyone new to my LJ is wondering, Spam Poetry™ is when I troll through my Spam, looking for interesting juxtapositions in the subject lines and then composing a little poem using only the subjects of Spam messages verbatim. Occasionally, I take liberty with punctuation or removing random numbers or characters from the end of the subject, but that's getting rarer.
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009 01:24 pm
For those who are new to my LiveJournal or who haven't read for very long, a relatively frequent feature for a while was Spam Poetry™. I haven't done it in a while because almost all my Spam is boring and repetitive. Spam Poetry™ is where I scan all my Spam and take subject lines that seem to form a coherent bit of interesting poetry and combine them for (I hope) humorous intent. The only rules I follow are:
  • the Spam subject is untouched from how I received it, except that I might remove extraneous numbers at the end

  • if the Spam subject shows up multiple times, I can use the line multiple times

  • it's generally not G-rated since most Spam isn't

  • it has to come from Spam; i.e., unsolicited email
So, let's get started, shall we?

Clicky for Spam Poetry™ )
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Thursday, August 7th, 2008 04:07 pm
I call this one "6 Things"
6 things to never say to a pregnant friend
     Get larger and enjoy sex more
     Unravel the mystery of enlargement
     Low Prices On Enlargement
     Fantastic growth results guaranteed
     Attain ultra large measurements
     Huge size increases with our wonder pills
This Spam Poem has been brought to you by the number six.
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 01:12 pm
(For those who have come in late and/or have no idea what this is about: occasionally, when the Spam subjects amuse me and I feel moved to do so, I arrange some of the subjects into an amusing (hopefully) little 'Spam Poem.' And then I inflict share them with my friends on LiveJournal.)

Click if you want. Safe for work (for a change). )

I now return you to your regularly scheduled friends page, already in progress. This has been Spam Poetry™.
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008 02:55 pm
I just realized I haven't done this for over a year. It's high time.
Relax. Take a Deep Breath We have the answers you seek.
All women will dream of you
Accessories of the highest class
Satisfy her with your giant
The bigger it is the better
She will be satisfied like never before!
Light her eyes with fire of true adoration

Microsoft Office ready to download
I think MickySloth might have been behind this one.... :)
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Monday, January 15th, 2007 08:23 am
This one is constructed only of the Spam I received so far today on my gmail account. I call it "No shimmy":
No shimmy do macgregor
Or exuberant of whimsic
exists cultural blend
of photos featuring
belly reshape lipozene
He as equanimity
Much overlooked

Double or triple your investments just per 1 week. Go MHII.OB!
I almost didn't have to rearrange the order, but I did move a few lines around in the end. I think it's as readable as some of e. e. cummings' poetry. (Before you reach "snit," I happen to enjoy cummings' poems. But I can admit they're weird at the same time. :)

I haven't done one of these in a while because the "quality" of my Spam has reached an all-time low. I look at my Yahoo Spam, for instance, and fully half of it has variations on the same stupid subject, and most of the other half are in Thai or Japanese or Chinese. So this was a shock today when I actually had a more "random" sample. :)

I want desperately to put an 'h' in front of the 'as' in the next-to-last line of the first stanza. Because "He has equanimity" actually makes sense. But I curb the need and use the line as it was supplied to me by my spammers. I wouldn't want to upset them or make them think I don't appreciate their input.
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Monday, August 14th, 2006 01:18 pm
I haven't done this in a while because...well, because my spammers have been asleep on the job. All my spam is boring, now. It's all mortgage or stocks. *Yawn* These were constructed from the subjects of the 81 spams I received since midnight on my Yahoo.com account.

Those of you who've ever bought a new house and then had the joy of being on every mailing list for every mortgage and realty company for all time will identify with this one, which I call "Mortgage~~!!!"
Thank you for your recent purchase
Hello! Need a Mortgage?
How to buy homes: With Nothing!
Need Mortgage Loans?
Need Refinance, Debt Consolidate, Cash out
Need to Buy or Refinance your home? Get started today
A pre-approved loan~~!!!
Pre-approved loan for you!
Find the Great Mortgage Program~~!!!
Get a great Mortgage & Save money~
Refinance & Save your money today~~!!!
A pre-approved loan~~!!!
Find the Great Mortgage Program~~!!!
Get a great Mortgage & Save money~
Refinance & Save your money today~~!!!
Get a great Mortgage & Save money~
Refinance & Save your money today~~!!!

Refinance & Save your money today~~!!!
Brings a tear to my eye, it does. Or that might be because today was an eye-day (right). But I digress.

This next one I call "You are what you eat." If you read it in the right frame of mind, it's slightly risqué.
Any health troubles?
Few steps to become healthy!
Thank you for your recent purchase
don't be cooped up
We are pros in getting you laid
Emerging Growth Opportunity
Six professional power tools in one machine

Panty peek Panties Robin Parson
her sweaty milkbags were jumping in that ride
You are what you eat
*snif* You are what you eat, indeed.

And there you have it. Hope you enjoyed them. Stay tuned for more as soon as I get something other than Mortgage spam.

*chortle* "sweaty milkbags" At least that's semi-creative.
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Monday, May 15th, 2006 11:15 pm
Dear home owner,
Astounding Funding made easy
Apply Now how much you can Save!

CNN News Flash
mosque drudgery
pagoda megalomania
It must be telepathy

Need new furniture?
sunlit gadget

Need a date?
Angelina Jolie Nude!
Come Be With Me, my Love!
Get it here
Her ass will be sore tomorrow
chronic pain?
Get it here
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Friday, July 8th, 2005 06:36 pm
Just last night on TIM I remarked to those assembled in the nexus (as opposed to those disassembled in the nexus) that I need new spammers, because mine are in a rut.  All I get anymore is MILF spam, spam exhorting me to visit some site or other to see virgin sluts having their first sexual experience (which raises the question, "How can they be sluts if they're virgins?" but that's not important right now), or spam that always starts, "We contacted you a while ago" and goes on to try to convince me that I should get a mortgage at some freakishly low rate from a shady website in Vanuatu or Tuvalu.  It's boring!  I can't even do Spam Poetry anymore because there's no panache! No verve!  No pizzazz!  No...creativity!

And then, as if in answer to my plea, I got three completely new spams, today!  Apparently, more policemen are needed and I'm being told I need to enroll to become a cop.

Granted, it's a small step, and still not very exciting from a Spam Poetry point of view, but...it's a start!
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Sunday, May 15th, 2005 10:23 am
Suddenly, a goodly portion of my spam, instead of being in Portuguese, is in what appears to be German. So here is the very first German edition of Spam-Poesie:
4,8 Mill. Osteuropaeer durch Fischer-Volmer Erlass
Blutige Selbstjustiz
Du wirst zum Sklaven gemacht!!!
Deutsche Buerger trauen sich nicht ...
Auslaender bevorzugt
Deutsche werden kuenftig beim Arzt abgezockt
Transparenz ist das Mindeste
Trotz Stellenabbau
Vorbildliche Aktion
Verbrechen der deutschen Frau
Paranoider Deutschenmoerder kommt in Psychiatrie
At first glance, it looks like any other spam. But I translated it using Google and had to correct typos in the original German as well as look up a couple of words in specialized dictionaries over on Onelook.com ("mindeste" is apparently from algebra and means "least" and "abgezockt" is idiomatic and means something like "got ripped off"). Based partially on the translations of the above subjects and on some of what's inside the spam, it appears to be news stories. The Spam Poetry is...weirdly sensible, in places:
4.8 Mill. East European by Fischer Volmer decree
Bloody self law
You are made slaves!!!
German citizens do not dare...
Foreigner prefers
Germans are ripped off in the future with the physician
Transparency is the least
Despite place dismantling
Exemplary action
Crime of the German woman
Paranoiac German murderer comes into psychiatry
Heh. So on top of me getting email meant for Brazilian and east asian citizens, I'm now apparently on some German news-spammer's list, as well. It definitely is spam, though, because they're all from different fake addresses and even though the subject lines are all different, the bodies of at least 5 of them are identical. Well, were identical. They got whacked. :)
kaasirpent: (Spam)
Thursday, May 5th, 2005 08:17 pm
For those of you who've come in late, I occasionally take the subject lines from spam I've received recently and arrange them into...what passes for poetry. My "rules" basically are that I transcribe the subject line exactly, eliminating any extraneous crap such as random characters at the beginning or end, and I can add punctuation and play with spacing. Other than that, it's pretty much untouched. Enjoy.

Oh, and since these aren't always entirely work-safe: Poetry within )

Of course, there's this one:
Win $10,000. Poetry Contest- Enter Now.
Are they trying to tell me something? ;)